Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Not so good
After 3 days of being off the vyvanse against my better judgement I let her take one this morning. Part of me thinks it was a good idea. Her pediatricain says to stay on it for now. And she has gotten worse since being off of it. She is having emotional meltdowns daily again. No horrible rages, but when her daddy turned off the computer on her last night because she refused to get off, she hit him. I heard her cry last night in her room and say that "Life sucks", "I just want to die." Why can't I just kill myself?" "I hate school" "I do not want to go to school." "I hate my hair." "I can't brush this **#$$# hair" etc. She did not know that I could hear her. Her door was closed and she was back in her bathroom. I was right next door in her sister's room putting her sister to bed. I do not think Tori heard exactly what she said but Tori knew she was emotionally melting down. Tori fell asleep while it went on. I think Tori has gotten used to blocking it out. And then this morning Kenz wanted me to brush her hair and when I would not-she is 13-she melted down again, crying saying she is not going to school and I can't make her. She did pull it together. Somehow I was able to give her a hug and encouragement so she pulled it together. I guess I should not say "somehow" for I know it was His Holy Spirit within me. What would I do without my Jesus? I feel very discouraged and down today. I feel like we are headed right back to where we were before Hope Ranch. I know she has to get help. I need to make it happen. I kinda slowed down in pursuing Meridell because I had hope last week that she could stay here and get help. I am back on track in pursuing Meridell, the insurance, etc. We will keep trying things here until we have everything ready to send her. Who knows maybe we will have a miracle or maybe that miracle looks different than what my mind wants it to look like. Even though I do not feel like it, I am trusting Jesus and I will rest on truth not feelings. I will push forward knowing that I am loved by the great almighty! And that one day everything will be perfect-no tears, no pain, no raging, no anger, no bipolar-when He comes again. I can't wait.