Day from...

This day did not start off well...first, Kenz threw a screaming fit this morning, pinched me so hard that I have a mark and it will be a bruise, then cussed at me. Next, Tori threw up in the car-thank goodness it all went in a plastic bag. Of course it was my work day today and I had to take Tori with me. She stayed in the back of the room with a pillow and blanket and nobody even knew she was there. But it made me late-trying to get her to come and all of her comfort stuff. Not that I blame her-I would have much rather stayed at home and take care of her too. But I have nobody to sub for me when I miss a class. Then in the middle of my second class I got a call from my friend who I carpool with and her son is sick and she was in the doctor's office trying to get x-rays of his chest to see if he had pnemunia or bronchitis. Poor guy! She couldn't get Kenzie and so I had to rush out of class and go get her. Then ever since Kenzie and Tori have been together there has been none stop bickering between them. Kenzie gets so jealous when Tori gets sick and gets to stay home. I can't figure this out. She is then annoyed by every little thing Tori does or says. Tori feels attacked and begins to be more annoying. Then Kenzie threatens her and scares her and says horrible things. That makes Tori scared so the screaming and yelling for me begins and continues...will this day ever end? My feet are killing me and I am exhausted. Now I have to cook dinner and get all of these kids to bed. And on top of that I am pms-ing-sorry to the men who are reading this-you may not get that. My husband will though. It sure does make everything seem larger than life! More than ever I need to escape and refocus on what is important. But right now this is all of the escape I can get-this blog. I need to get my strength from my Savior. My blogger freind was going to coordinate a bipolar conference-should could use that about right now. A weekend away with others who get it. Oh, how I wish...
Sorry for all the negative but I had to get it out-hopefully now I can return to my family with a better attitude. Thanks for reading-any prayer would be greatly appreciated too.

High School here we come...

This week I have been really looking at high schools for Kenzie. Yes, she will be a freshman officially in August. Scary! Anyway, I started this process in Jan. when I realized she might be here next year after all. I knew that a regular huge public high school would not work for her. We would surely loose her to who knows what! I have always wanted to send her to a private Christian school but several years ago I realized that would probably not be a good fit for Kenz. All of the Christian schools that I have looked into are very rigorous and high pressured. That will not work for her. So I started by looking at charter schools here in Az. I started with 19 of them from a list by the state. Then I narrowed them down to 9 due to proximity and type of school. Then I began to call them and ask all kinds of questions. I got it down to four that really appealed to me. Then I looked at the internet for any bad things that might have been reported on the school. One of them out of the four did not get good reviews on this one website and you have to wear uniforms. Kenz is totally against that! So I put that one last on the list of four. I decided to visit the remaining three. We went and saw two out of the three so far and I think I have found the one. Kenzie was in agreement too. We enrolled her today, but I plan on looking at the third one just to make sure. The name of the school is Leading Edge Academy and the high school is specifically called Gilbert Early College. It is called this because when they get to be juniors and seniors they can take a shuttle to the Gilbert community college and take courses there. It is also college prepatory. It is housed at a church and get this, even though it is a public charter school, they offer "chapel" once a week. Everybody that goes there says it is a Christian charter school without the tuition. Cool, huh? They also have a performing arts elective and put on a play every year with dancing. Right up Kenzie's alley! When they showed me the auditorium( where they will perform the play) and right in the middle was a big lit up cross, I knew this was the place-along with everything else they told me plus everything we saw. It is a very small school-only 25 freshman next year at most. Right now there are only 77 students in the whole high school. I thought my high school was small. I had a graduating class of about 60. But small is what Kenzie wants-I think it helps her feel less overwhelmed. She left saying "I really like that place, " whereas the other place she said "I don't want to go to high school. It scares me." I am worried about high school and Kenzie and how it all works out with everything that is going on with her. But scripture tells us do not worry about anything but bring it to the Lord in prayer. So that is what I will do. I do feel a little better finding such a good fit-at least we hope so. Things could change.

As far as an update on Kenz and how her behavior and moods are doing...it is up and down. I still do not believe we have the right combo of medication but the psychiatrist is right there working with us. We played phone tag today. Hopefully, I will get to talk to her on Monday. The therapist is awesome and the method is helping in some respects. Her moods still can be so angry but the nurtured heart method usually helps it not spin out of control into a full blown rage. I have to look at it as the cup half full and notice all of the good and keep working on getting the "bad" better. The therapist says that Kenzie is testing us and part of her wants us to go back to the old way because that is what she is used too. She says to hang in there and outlast Kenz. So I plan to with all of the strength from Christ. What would I do if I did not have Him as the Lord of my life?

Stress

Recently, I have learned that stress causes havoc! The last few days have been very stressful for me and therefore, it has transfered to the kids. I have been stressed because we decided to have an Easter Egg hunt and cook out tomorrow night. I am not very good at planning and always seem to be rushing around at the last minute. Also, trying to get three girls ready, okay four, for Easter Sunday morning is quite challenging as well. I need to refocus and remember the real importance of Easter-Christ death and resurrection. Without it we would have nothing. I am so thankful for His continual guidance. I sit down to write this blog and sometimes it is to vent but somehow I end up writing what I need to, what is good, or what I need to be reminded of. I believe it is The Holy Spirit leading me and guiding me through this process. How awesome is that!
Kenzie has had a rough last few days. I am sure me being stressed has added or even contributed to her behavior. It also could be the increase in her seroquel or maybe she feels stress too from the planning of the party. She is quite involved or rather should I say "in control" of this event. She wants things a certain way and if they are not going to be that way all hell breaks loose. I have not been as uplifting or encouraging either as I have been-also due to stress which causes exhaustion. When you are tired I realize you do not have any energy to give positive energy. On one good note I did spread out the cleaning of the house. I only have dusting and vacuuming to do tomorrow before the party plus last minute things. Always right before the party I ask myself "Do I ever want to do this again?" or "Why did I decide to do this?" But somehow I still plan more events and they all become stressful at some point. Maybe eventually I will someday figure out how to plan accordingly. The bottom line is I need to refocus and get my strength from Christ and try to enjoy being with my family and friends.