Saturday, August 14, 2010
Depression is being in a black hole and no matter how hard you try you can't get out. Depression for me not Kenzie right now. This post is about me. It may sound dark and depressing and even a pity party, but I thought if I wrote my thoughts down it might help. This is a big risk-writing it down for all to see but I am going to take it. Please do not worry as I know what is going on and even though I feel yucky I will do nothing that is dangerous because I do love Jesus and I know better. I may feel like it right now but I will never act on it. That may be even the reason why I am writing it down so I know the truth and not just go on what I am feeling. I feel worthless like I can never do anything right. I am not a good housekeeper-my house is always messy, my kids fight and no matter how hard I try to stop it they just keep on doing it. Even my creative attempts do not seem to work which of course makes me feel like a terrible mom. I hardly ever get to really spend time with my husband between work and the kids there just never seems to be time. How I miss the days when we could just hang on and go to a movie at the last minute or even call a babysitter. But with McKenzie that is impossible. My husband and I need to get away and we can't because we have no family here to take care of our kids. Grandparents, for different reasons and very understandable ones, cannot help at least not for the length of time that we need. Money... is tight as it is for everybody these days... but I seem to mess things up constantly-my husband is very frugal and one of the things that helps me and our marriage is me making extra money with my little side job but that isn't looking good due to the economy. I want to work but I have a precious baby that needs me at home and I was there for our other kids so I want to do the same for her. I don't want to miss out on the little stuff. It makes me sad to even think about it. Who even knows I probably couldn't even find a teaching job at this point in the game. I have tried to expand my business to other preschools but because of the economy nobody wants me. Doing creative things helps me but again I use my extra money for that and without that it is hard to be creative. I eat not because I am hungry but because it fills that void. I use sweets like alcohol to some extent. So no matter how much I exercise I do not loose weight which of course makes me feel worse. I feel ugly and yucky. I have not spent very much time with the Lord and that makes feel yuck too. I feel like a failure as God's child. I know He loves me but I just can't feel it right now. Bible study starts this week and I pray I have enough energy to get up, get dressed and get there. However, the baby seems to be coming down with a cold and possible ear infection so with my luck I probably won't even be able to go. The screen tickets worked for awhile but now Kenzie is using them for a fight when she uses them. She wants me to stop the timer when commercials are on-everything becomes a fight with her. It is so exhausting. Tori does great with the tickets but her attitude lately has not been good. My sweet little girl seems so down and not herself which also makes me sad. I wish I could fix it all but I can't. I want to do something exciting-something where I am giving or helping or something to pull me out of this pit. But I have no idea what. It seems like I have very few friends-the friends I do have have scattered and have busy lives and I do not see them very often much less talk to them. I need a group of friends that I can spend time with and just get away. I use to have that and now it isn't there anymore. Not sure why-I think it is just life. Two out of the three kids are crying so now it is time to go and stop playing the pity party, push down those dark lonely feelings and deal with my kids...at least they need me. Why can't Jesus come NOW?!?!