Carry Me Today

I must be a terrible mom, at least that is how I feel right now. Now my 8 year old is acting out. She is in third grade and this is when it got really bad with Kenzie. Maybe it is not mental illness and it is just my parenting. My husband says I tolerate it too much and that is why they treat me so poorly. The only thing Tori doesn't do is cuss at me. She also does not have rages, but boy, does she have a temper and an attitude. I am still doing the screen tickets but they are not working anymore. Tori doesn't care because she has earned so many now and she has not been watching T.V. in the afternoons. This weekend the girls were gone because of Kenzie's b-day at at the hotel so they did not use up their screen tickets. Kenzie has so much homework and dance that she does not have time for T.V. or playing on the computer during the week days and I think she sneaks on the computer at night after we go to bed. So she seems to care less too. Time to come up with something else. Why does it always work that way? Things work for awhile and then you have to change things so you will get effectiveness again. I really do try hard. I am trying to stick with this approach but I am tired of being verbally abused by both girls now. Kenzie has not cussed in the mornings until this morning, but she whines, cries, and talks very loudly. Tori is sassy and hurtful. I think she has learned behaviors from Kenzie. I stayed calm and ignored and reset constantly, but I wanted to slap them both across the face. Then when they left I lost it-tears and anger all at once. They will not be getting any screen tickets this afternoon and Tori will not be playing with any friends either. Kenzie will have to give up her phone until homework and chores are done. But guess what this won't work either. They will just go back to being ugly in the morning again. I so want to give up. I look at my sweet baby's face who looks at me with adoration and all smiles and I am thankful but I know it will not last. She too will grow up and treat me poorly just like her sisters. They both were like that as babies and even Tori just last year. It seems when those hormones hit around 8 or 9 things just change and go downhill. I know I am being negative but I am mad, hurt, frustrated, tired, and have just plain had it. It is so hard being a mom. Today I want to give up. I want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. But I won't, I can't, I have this baby that needs me. I am God's child and He wants me to keep going, giving thanks for everything and being joyful. Okay, Lord, I need you totally. I can't do it without Him. Give me the strength, please. I am thankful that I have Him as my savior and Lord. I don't feel like it but I know(head knowledge) that He is right there with me maybe He'll have to carry me today instead of just walking beside me.