Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Where we are at

Sorry, I haven't written in awhile. I have wanted too but haven't for a couple of reasons. First, I haven't had something on my mind that I really wanted to share and second, I have not had the time or energy lately. I am trying to figure out why I have had so low energy lately. I think it is because I keep forgetting my vitamin D-it helps with depression. And not that my depression has been horrible but it has definietly been more there than usual. So I need to get to the special pharmacy and get my vitamin D and see if that helps. Usually when I write on my blog it is because something is burning inside of me to share with others. Lately, things have not changed too much, and nothing is really burning. For the most part, it is the same. We are still working with the new approach and in some ways it has helped but in other ways and at times it gets worse. Kenzie is still testing us to see if we are going to stick to this plan. Lately, she has become physical at times-pinching me, blocking me, hitting her dad, or punching or pushing Tori. It is not all of the time and there have even been days that are good. Today was one of those days. And I think the good Lord for that. I do like this approach because it is consistent. I don't have to think about what punishment or what consequence I am going to give next. I have a plan. I know what I am going to do and say everytime she steps out of line. No matter how she reacts it is always the same for me and for her. That has helped my stress tremendously. The only time that I feel uneasy is when she becomes physical especially towards Tori. I believe she wants to change and I also believe that the medicines are still not right. Our doctor wants us to increase the seroquel to 300 mg. I really want to try the amantadine. We see her next Friday. Todd is having a hard time with the approach. He thinks it is unfair that all of us have to do the changing first. Our therapist says that she sees this attitude a lot with men. She wants us to come in and see her together. Hopefully, that will help him figure out what he wants to do next. She, the therapist, believes that the approach is working. She says that at about 4-6 weeks you usually see a rebound with the kids trying one last thing to see if that will get the parents to give in and go back to the old ways. She thinks this is what McKenzie is doing with the being physical stuff. I hope she is right. She also agrees with me that the medicine still needs adjustments. I guess we are just at a stand still playing the waiting game to see if these two new medical professionals are really going to be able to help us. It is a hard place to be. Some days are good and some are not. I am really struggling with trying to constantly give positive reinforcement. I am trying but it is hard. I think it is hard because there are times when it gets bad and we so desperatly want things to change for her. We want her to be stable. I still feel like we all walk on eggshells around here never knowing what she is going to be like or what she will do next. So it is hard to get excited all of the time when things are calm. I want to retreat and say"Whew, a quiet, peaceful moment!" But then I hear the therapist saying that when we do that she begins to feel invisible because nobody is giving her any attention or energy. Again, life is hard and that is why we need a savior. My seven year old has been telling me lately that she has a difficult life. I respond with nobody ever promised life would be all roses and that is why Jesus came. We need Him when things are not good. If things were always good then we would not need Him. So now if you ask her why her life is difficult sometimes she will say so I will rely on Jesus. I wish I knew that at age 7.

1 comment:

  1. Faith in Christ is truly Caroline's saving grace. He has been the one who keeps her grounded, keeps her making the right choices when she is not manic. Without Him, I think she would be so lost in so many ways, not functional, without hope.