Questions

Last night Kenzie asked me all these questions-must be worries she has in her head. She asked "Is there anything that I can do that would make you all not talk to me ever again?" "And if I got divorced would you support me?" There was much more but these are the ones that hit me the hardest and the ones I remember verbatim. Of course I told her that there was not anything that she could do that would keep us from loving her, that we would always be a part of her life. I did tell her that we might not agree with everything she does but that would not change how we feel about her or keep us from seeing and talking to her. She also said she hated her age because she has to go to high school in a few weeks and then there will be driving, and then college, etc. She said she is afraid of it all. I hate that my little girl lives in fear all the time. I asked if she is afraid only at night when it is dark and quiet or in the day too. She said mostly at night but sometimes in the day when she is quiet or we are not home with her. Her mind must roll with yucky thoughts all of the time-I can't even imagine. I told her that she has to hang on to Christ for strength and that without Him she will be lost. That He has angels watching over her all of the time and that she is safe. Can you imagine what it must feel like not to feel safe in your own bed in your own home? We have got to find something that will help her anxiety.

Medication and Still Wondering

I thought I would post the medicine that Kenzie takes just in case anybody else has similar drugs. Currently, she takes vyvanse 40 mg., amantadine 100 mg in the morning. Then in the late afternoon when the vyvanse seems to wear off which is about after 8-9 hours, she takes short acting aderall 10 mg. If we forget that one then we are headed for a disaster. At night she takes another 100 mg of amantadine and 200 mg of seroquel. She was taking buspar for her anxiety but we stopped that because it did not seem to make a difference one way or another. I hate that she is on so much medication and therefore, I do not want her taking anything that she does not have to have. We still have no medicine that helps her with the anxiety except seroquel because it helps her get to sleep at night. Night time is the worst when it comes to her anxiety. We just started the amantadine full force, all 200 mg. of it and so far no bad side effects. She seems pretty good these last two days. Time will tell. I still can't figure out what her diagnosis is and I am not sure the doctors know for sure either. I do know that she does have ADHD and the stimulants she takes for that seem to work and if we do not have them she is so impulsive it causes terrible trouble(looks like mania). I also know for sure she has anxiety. It is the mood disorder that I am unsure of. At times she seems to have some sort of mood issues but does not seem as bad as others I read about that have been diagnosed with bipolar. Does she have mood issues because of her impulsivity and anxiety or is it another illness alongside of these two? Also, they are ruling out asbergers and at times I see that one too. The not understanding of social rules, being literal and not understanding expressions or vocabulary that a almost 14 year old should understand, not being able to communicate her feelings very well, the lack of friends, and the sensory issues she has-although she has gotten better about that one. I hate mental illness. It is so hard to figure out, so unpredictable, and so unfair. I also hate thinking about it all the time. I want to not look at my daughter and wonder what is going on in her brain all of the time. I want to not walk on eggshells wondering when will be the next outbreak. I just want to enjoy the moments when everything is good and she is happy. Today, I am making a decision to lean on our Lord and do just that-enjoy every moment that she is happy and celebrate it out loud.

Really?!?

Okay, totally frustrated-drove all the way to the psychiatrist this morning(45 minute drive)just to get there and find out that she had gotten sick and had to go home. Of course, I was with all three kids-had to wake all of them up to go and it made Tori 30 minutes late to her music camp. And they couldn't even get Kenz back in to see her until the 20th of July. Then I get a call saying she is okay to return to work and she is opening up her schedule tomorrow for the patients that she missed today. So now I have to do it all again tomorrow at 1:00! This time I am calling before I leave the house to make sure she is okay. At least it is not early morning again.

Forgot her Medicine and...

...we all payed for it.
Yesterday was the last dance recital for Kenzie. It was the fourth day in a row that I had to do her hair and make-up. Needless to say I was not very patient. However, she was great all three days. But yesterday she forgot to take her vyvanse which is her ADHD medicine. It seems to be when she does not have this medicine her mind is flying with thoughts and she can't focus or get motivated to do anything. Then if you add on stress we usually have a meltdown because she just can't handle it. Well that is exactly what happened. Not a pretty sight. I was so mad at her for not listening to me and taking it when I told her to. Of all days! All of that upset could have been prevented. She is almost fourteen years old. When is she going to be responsible enough to remember to take her meds? And doesn't she realize that when she does not have them she usually has some sort of meltdown and causes stress and havoc to the whole family? However, she did pull it together, did almost all of her make-up by herself(because I refused to do it), and made it on time to the recital. I also calmed down, enjoyed the recital, even cried during her ballet number. She is such a beautiful dancer. As I watch her I am in awe and can't believe one that she is mine and two that she has any issues at all. She becomes another person at that stage and for that I am so glad. Then I got to go out on a date with husband. It ended up being a good day after all. Then today she fixed her daddy breakfast all by herself. She has done all of her chores without complaining and even organized her desk. She is so unpredictable, but I am very thankful for all of the good today. For all of the fathers out there have a Happy Father's Day!

Meltdown Not as Bad as in the Past

Kenzie had another meltdown yesterday and I have to say it wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. She did not cuss or hurt anyone. She just cried really hard, ranted and raved, and kicked a chair across the room. I think it was not as bad because of the nurtured heart approach and how we handle things now when they get yucky. I know it still sounds bad to others but trust me for us it was much better. The only thing I hated was when she kicked the chair it scared Addy and she cried. That was the first time Addyson reacted that way. And that made me sad! But we have to look at the positive and overall it was not to the scale it has been in the past. Maybe one day we will be rid of them completely.

Anxiety is Winning

Lately, Kenzie has shared with me about her thoughts. Through this I have to come to realize that she suffers from true anxiety. Whether it is GAD or OCD or a combo of both I have not yet determined. But what she thinks of would just blow you out of the water. Let me share an example with you. Tonight we were outside in the pool and we heard a noise. In my mind it sounded like fireworks. But Kenz immediately thought it was a gunshot and that there were bad guys close coming to get us. She got both of her sisters out of the pool and began to panic. The way she handles her panic is by asking the same question or a series of questions over and over. And guess who those questions are directed to... me! I really try hard to reassure her and be patient but it is hard when the thoughts she has are so irrational and she won't believe any of my answers. I finally had to give her some medicine to calm her down. But she still has to make sure where both of us(her parents) are at all times right now. This is her biggest fear-that some "bad guys" are going to come and do something to her family. She said lately that her biggest worry is which sister she should save first if something bad happened. She is also very scared that I will die. She has a ritual of saying I love you millions of times before I leave to go anywhere and before bedtime-she also has to give me a thousand kisses. You think this would be wonderful but when you know it is not normal, it is annoying and worrisome. My heart hurts for her. I worry too but not like this. I can't imagine what it is like to constantly be worrying about awful things that might happen. They say(and so does she) that is why she plays games on the computer, watches TV and turns up the radio-to block out those thoughts. I have a theory-maybe all of this anxiety is what causes her irritable moods and outbursts. And maybe that is why the bipolar medications that we have tried have not worked with her and why the stimulants do help with her impulsive behavior, hyperactivity, and focusing(ADHD symptoms). They said that ADHD can go along with OCD. Anyway, the psychiatrist thought I might be on to something and gave her buspirone which has not helped at all. In fact it seems that the anxiety has gotten worse. I think if we could find some medicine that would help and then therapy on top of that she would be so much better and happier. Anybody reading this that knows anything about OCD or others that have kids with it if you could let me know I would greatly appreciate it.

First Girl/Boy Party

Yesterday McKenzie graduated from 8th grade-no more junior high. High school here we come. Oh My Goodness! I think I am more nervous about this adventure than she is. Well, maybe not. I do not have anxiety. She does.

Last night one of the girls in her class had a graduation party and she was invited. I was thrilled for her but also a little skeptic. I could not figure out how or why she got invited because she really has no friends at school. At least she does not do anything with anybody outside of school. But I guess she is somewhat socializing at school or she wouldn't have been invited. She was nervous and so was I. I was worried she would say or do something that the kids would make fun of her for. I was also worried that they may have invited her just to be mean to her. You know those movies where they invite the unpopular kids and pull pranks on them. All kinds of things went through my head. Of course I did not verbalize any of this to Kenzie. She was nervous enough and even had a hard time deciding on whether she wanted to go or not. I did tell her she could call me at any time and ask me to come get her. In the end she did go and everything went well apparently. She even said she thought one of the boys was flirting with her. I am not sure if I am ready for this. And is she?