Not Physical Again, pleasssse

Physical again!?! And over cake...yesterday morning(before her vyvanse had kicked in) Kenz wanted a second piece of her sister's b-day cake and I told her no. I had the cake out and she decided that she would just force her way over my arms and get another piece anyway. Blocking it and holding her back-I was bound and determined to not let her have another one-there was hardly any left and Tori had only had 1/2 of a piece of the whole cake at her party. She deserved some too. Anyway, this caused Kenzie to fight me physically by scratching and pinching me. I think she even hit me. Well, I did not handle it very well. I backhanded her and it hit her in the face. I wasn't aiming for her face. I was just trying to get her away from me. In essence I was defending myself. But I was furious! Todd got involved and got her to her room rather calmly if you can even call what she was calm. My point being is that he did a good job to remove her. We told her that when she gets physical all bets are off. We won't be doing the nurtured heart approach. We will be protecting the family and removing her from the situation. Not sure if this is the right answer and really not sure what you do with a 13 year old who becomes physical like that! It is not a pretty situation no matter how you look at it. The sad thing is that she was doing so well. We have not had one of those episodes in a long time. I felt like we were getting somewhere with the nurtured heart approach. Hopefully, we are not sliding backwards again.

Where to go from here?

I have to say that I am slightly perplexed on where to go from here with Kenzie. I know her meds. could be improved but not sure how. She currently takes vyvanse 40 mg. from 7:00 to 4:00 and then takes 10 mg of aderall to help make it through the evening. This definitely helps her impulsitivty, her focusing, and her hyperactivity which is all ADHD related. We have tried going off of the stuff and things are horrible without it. She also takes seroquel 200 mg for her mood issues. She is still irritable in the mornings but lately, she has been able to somewhat control it. I wouldn't say she is ever in a good mood in the mornings but she hasn't had any bad rages in awhile either. I have to wonder if that is do to the new approach that our therapist has been teaching us as parents. Or maybe, it is the increase in seroquel or maybe both. I just noticed that Kenzie takes regular seroquel not seroquel XR. I wonder what the difference is and if it would make a difference in Kenz. Also, I know with bipolar you usually need another mood stabilizer too. We have tried so many of them and we see nothing or sometimes things have even gotten worse. So it makes me wonder if she is doing okay on just this medicine does that mean she is not bipolar? Have the rages stopped or will they rear their ugly head again? I do know that her anxiety is still very strong. I think the seroquel helps her with sleep as it pertains to anxiety but I do not see her dealing with her anxiety well in the waking hours. I think this might cause some of her mood swings because she gets so upset with whatever is causing her anxiety. I really want to try the amantadine for her. For those of you who do not know about this drug, it is an old drug for Parkinson's disease. One of my blogger friend's daughter was put on it by Meridell and it made the world of a difference. It has a calming effect and also helps with focusing from what I understand. Anyway, this all is so mind boggling-it gives me a headache. It is just never straightforward when it comes to mental diseases. And when you have more than one thing going on, it becomes so complicated! I am thinking about all of this hard right now because we have another doctor's appointment with the new psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I want to be prepared to answer her questions and get the most benefit I can from the appointment. Plus, my mind is swimming with thoughts and they all needed to be written down. It helps me straighten everything out, I think... what to do, what to do...that is the question.

Reversed Roles

Yesterday morning Tori reversed the roles. She had a screaming fit over her clothes! I will say that even though it was bad there was no cussing or being physical with mom. Just mainly screaming and crying and an attitude. I guess "normal" kids have their days too. But I have to say that what went through my mind was not good..."Not another one acting like this too! I cannot handle any more kids that behave like this! Why are mornings so difficult for my children?" To say the least I did handle it very well out loud either. I did not say those things but I did show her my anger and I almost had to push her out the door. You can't leave a seven year old at home alone. The crazy thing is that Kenzie could not handle her sister's explosion and got all upset at her. I told her she was calling the kettle black. I also asked her if now she understood how horrible it is to have to deal with that behavior all of the time? She nodded yes-but I already knew that she knows that we do not enjoy her when she acts like that either. On the good side of things Tori got grounded yesterday afternoon and learned her lesson. This morning she was a perfect angel. It was a pleasure to have her awake and in my company. This is the Tori that I know. Well, we all have bad days!

Where we are at

Sorry, I haven't written in awhile. I have wanted too but haven't for a couple of reasons. First, I haven't had something on my mind that I really wanted to share and second, I have not had the time or energy lately. I am trying to figure out why I have had so low energy lately. I think it is because I keep forgetting my vitamin D-it helps with depression. And not that my depression has been horrible but it has definietly been more there than usual. So I need to get to the special pharmacy and get my vitamin D and see if that helps. Usually when I write on my blog it is because something is burning inside of me to share with others. Lately, things have not changed too much, and nothing is really burning. For the most part, it is the same. We are still working with the new approach and in some ways it has helped but in other ways and at times it gets worse. Kenzie is still testing us to see if we are going to stick to this plan. Lately, she has become physical at times-pinching me, blocking me, hitting her dad, or punching or pushing Tori. It is not all of the time and there have even been days that are good. Today was one of those days. And I think the good Lord for that. I do like this approach because it is consistent. I don't have to think about what punishment or what consequence I am going to give next. I have a plan. I know what I am going to do and say everytime she steps out of line. No matter how she reacts it is always the same for me and for her. That has helped my stress tremendously. The only time that I feel uneasy is when she becomes physical especially towards Tori. I believe she wants to change and I also believe that the medicines are still not right. Our doctor wants us to increase the seroquel to 300 mg. I really want to try the amantadine. We see her next Friday. Todd is having a hard time with the approach. He thinks it is unfair that all of us have to do the changing first. Our therapist says that she sees this attitude a lot with men. She wants us to come in and see her together. Hopefully, that will help him figure out what he wants to do next. She, the therapist, believes that the approach is working. She says that at about 4-6 weeks you usually see a rebound with the kids trying one last thing to see if that will get the parents to give in and go back to the old ways. She thinks this is what McKenzie is doing with the being physical stuff. I hope she is right. She also agrees with me that the medicine still needs adjustments. I guess we are just at a stand still playing the waiting game to see if these two new medical professionals are really going to be able to help us. It is a hard place to be. Some days are good and some are not. I am really struggling with trying to constantly give positive reinforcement. I am trying but it is hard. I think it is hard because there are times when it gets bad and we so desperatly want things to change for her. We want her to be stable. I still feel like we all walk on eggshells around here never knowing what she is going to be like or what she will do next. So it is hard to get excited all of the time when things are calm. I want to retreat and say"Whew, a quiet, peaceful moment!" But then I hear the therapist saying that when we do that she begins to feel invisible because nobody is giving her any attention or energy. Again, life is hard and that is why we need a savior. My seven year old has been telling me lately that she has a difficult life. I respond with nobody ever promised life would be all roses and that is why Jesus came. We need Him when things are not good. If things were always good then we would not need Him. So now if you ask her why her life is difficult sometimes she will say so I will rely on Jesus. I wish I knew that at age 7.

Day from...

This day did not start off well...first, Kenz threw a screaming fit this morning, pinched me so hard that I have a mark and it will be a bruise, then cussed at me. Next, Tori threw up in the car-thank goodness it all went in a plastic bag. Of course it was my work day today and I had to take Tori with me. She stayed in the back of the room with a pillow and blanket and nobody even knew she was there. But it made me late-trying to get her to come and all of her comfort stuff. Not that I blame her-I would have much rather stayed at home and take care of her too. But I have nobody to sub for me when I miss a class. Then in the middle of my second class I got a call from my friend who I carpool with and her son is sick and she was in the doctor's office trying to get x-rays of his chest to see if he had pnemunia or bronchitis. Poor guy! She couldn't get Kenzie and so I had to rush out of class and go get her. Then ever since Kenzie and Tori have been together there has been none stop bickering between them. Kenzie gets so jealous when Tori gets sick and gets to stay home. I can't figure this out. She is then annoyed by every little thing Tori does or says. Tori feels attacked and begins to be more annoying. Then Kenzie threatens her and scares her and says horrible things. That makes Tori scared so the screaming and yelling for me begins and continues...will this day ever end? My feet are killing me and I am exhausted. Now I have to cook dinner and get all of these kids to bed. And on top of that I am pms-ing-sorry to the men who are reading this-you may not get that. My husband will though. It sure does make everything seem larger than life! More than ever I need to escape and refocus on what is important. But right now this is all of the escape I can get-this blog. I need to get my strength from my Savior. My blogger freind was going to coordinate a bipolar conference-should could use that about right now. A weekend away with others who get it. Oh, how I wish...
Sorry for all the negative but I had to get it out-hopefully now I can return to my family with a better attitude. Thanks for reading-any prayer would be greatly appreciated too.

High School here we come...

This week I have been really looking at high schools for Kenzie. Yes, she will be a freshman officially in August. Scary! Anyway, I started this process in Jan. when I realized she might be here next year after all. I knew that a regular huge public high school would not work for her. We would surely loose her to who knows what! I have always wanted to send her to a private Christian school but several years ago I realized that would probably not be a good fit for Kenz. All of the Christian schools that I have looked into are very rigorous and high pressured. That will not work for her. So I started by looking at charter schools here in Az. I started with 19 of them from a list by the state. Then I narrowed them down to 9 due to proximity and type of school. Then I began to call them and ask all kinds of questions. I got it down to four that really appealed to me. Then I looked at the internet for any bad things that might have been reported on the school. One of them out of the four did not get good reviews on this one website and you have to wear uniforms. Kenz is totally against that! So I put that one last on the list of four. I decided to visit the remaining three. We went and saw two out of the three so far and I think I have found the one. Kenzie was in agreement too. We enrolled her today, but I plan on looking at the third one just to make sure. The name of the school is Leading Edge Academy and the high school is specifically called Gilbert Early College. It is called this because when they get to be juniors and seniors they can take a shuttle to the Gilbert community college and take courses there. It is also college prepatory. It is housed at a church and get this, even though it is a public charter school, they offer "chapel" once a week. Everybody that goes there says it is a Christian charter school without the tuition. Cool, huh? They also have a performing arts elective and put on a play every year with dancing. Right up Kenzie's alley! When they showed me the auditorium( where they will perform the play) and right in the middle was a big lit up cross, I knew this was the place-along with everything else they told me plus everything we saw. It is a very small school-only 25 freshman next year at most. Right now there are only 77 students in the whole high school. I thought my high school was small. I had a graduating class of about 60. But small is what Kenzie wants-I think it helps her feel less overwhelmed. She left saying "I really like that place, " whereas the other place she said "I don't want to go to high school. It scares me." I am worried about high school and Kenzie and how it all works out with everything that is going on with her. But scripture tells us do not worry about anything but bring it to the Lord in prayer. So that is what I will do. I do feel a little better finding such a good fit-at least we hope so. Things could change.

As far as an update on Kenz and how her behavior and moods are doing...it is up and down. I still do not believe we have the right combo of medication but the psychiatrist is right there working with us. We played phone tag today. Hopefully, I will get to talk to her on Monday. The therapist is awesome and the method is helping in some respects. Her moods still can be so angry but the nurtured heart method usually helps it not spin out of control into a full blown rage. I have to look at it as the cup half full and notice all of the good and keep working on getting the "bad" better. The therapist says that Kenzie is testing us and part of her wants us to go back to the old way because that is what she is used too. She says to hang in there and outlast Kenz. So I plan to with all of the strength from Christ. What would I do if I did not have Him as the Lord of my life?

Stress

Recently, I have learned that stress causes havoc! The last few days have been very stressful for me and therefore, it has transfered to the kids. I have been stressed because we decided to have an Easter Egg hunt and cook out tomorrow night. I am not very good at planning and always seem to be rushing around at the last minute. Also, trying to get three girls ready, okay four, for Easter Sunday morning is quite challenging as well. I need to refocus and remember the real importance of Easter-Christ death and resurrection. Without it we would have nothing. I am so thankful for His continual guidance. I sit down to write this blog and sometimes it is to vent but somehow I end up writing what I need to, what is good, or what I need to be reminded of. I believe it is The Holy Spirit leading me and guiding me through this process. How awesome is that!
Kenzie has had a rough last few days. I am sure me being stressed has added or even contributed to her behavior. It also could be the increase in her seroquel or maybe she feels stress too from the planning of the party. She is quite involved or rather should I say "in control" of this event. She wants things a certain way and if they are not going to be that way all hell breaks loose. I have not been as uplifting or encouraging either as I have been-also due to stress which causes exhaustion. When you are tired I realize you do not have any energy to give positive energy. On one good note I did spread out the cleaning of the house. I only have dusting and vacuuming to do tomorrow before the party plus last minute things. Always right before the party I ask myself "Do I ever want to do this again?" or "Why did I decide to do this?" But somehow I still plan more events and they all become stressful at some point. Maybe eventually I will someday figure out how to plan accordingly. The bottom line is I need to refocus and get my strength from Christ and try to enjoy being with my family and friends.